On parallel universes and unexpected partners

Aja Frost and Aliza Sir's change of plans

Your Five-Year Plan is a newsletter about embracing life’s profound uncertainty.

Maybe your own plans went up in flames; maybe you’re considering a big, scary leap. This is your trusty companion while you’re writing the next life chapter.

Welcome to the conversation—and to the adventure that unfolds when your plans go sideways. This is letter #30. ✨

❤️ How does uncertainty show up in your relationships?

Why didn’t he text me back?

Is our friendship as close as it used to be?

Did I say too much in that meeting with my boss?

Human relationships serve up some of life’s juiciest conversations about uncertainty.

When two people interact, they bring their own communication styles, priorities, needs, desires, fears, cultural backgrounds, and histories into the mix. How will they navigate those differences? It’s all one big question mark.

And that’s exactly why relational dynamics—particularly romantic ones—have spawned countless books, screenplays, and Taylor Swift albums.

In matters of the heart, uncertainty manifests in different ways as a relationship develops. In a new partnership, you might wonder: When will I see him again? Does she like me as much as I like her?

In an established relationship, the questions get weightier: Is this challenge going to make us stronger, or is it a dealbreaker? So it’s understandable that, as a romance progresses, people tend to stop sharing their stories of uncertainty. It’s a protective instinct.

But accepting that uncertainty is woven through all relationships—and talking about it openly!—is a sign of strength.

That’s why I’m delighted to welcome today’s guest authors,

Aja Frost

and

Aliza Sir

of

platonic love

.

As they talk about their own love lives, Aja and Aliza invite us to consider these nuances of relational uncertainty for ourselves:

• Meeting a partner at an unexpected moment;

• The tradeoffs we all make in relationships; and

• The different directions our lives could’ve taken. (Hello, Sliding Doors!)

Over to you, Aja and Aliza!

---

Aliza: This is the first time either of us will talk in depth about our relationships on Substack. 

Aja: You’re right! We should first clarify that both of our partners are named Sam. 

Aliza: [Laughs] Good point.

Aja: Talking about your partner means you’re not just digging into your own psyche — you’re probing into someone else’s inner life, too. We’ve tried to be respectful. I feel more comfortable now after 50 issues (of platonic love) — we’re more practiced at sharing without incriminating.

Aliza: Definitely.

Aliza: Sam and I’ve been together for more than 14 years. Is that right? We graduated high school in 2009. It still surprises me that I married my high school boyfriend. He was my prom date! I couldn’t have anticipated when I was eighteen my life would take the course that it has — and I’ve never felt like it quite fit the other aspects of my identity. 

Aja: You’re very adventurous. You go out of your way to keep your life fresh and interesting and dynamic, even with a one-year-old. I can understand why you never thought you’d be someone who got married to and had kids with your prom date. 

That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it — it’s beautiful. But you have this certain conception of who you are, and there’s friction with that piece.

Aliza: Right? But maybe it does fit with who I am — to love and hold onto that long-term stability and support that I got from Sam. 

You also met (your) Sam at an unexpected moment.

Aja: Yeah, I’d just graduated college and gotten a job, and he was my older coworker. I couldn’t help falling in love with him. At the time I was a peon in the corporate ladder, but Sam always took me very seriously. He treated my ideas with a lot of respect and gravitas and empowered me. I thought, okay, this is a person who’s going to support my career aspirations no matter where they lead me. And that felt so precious and rare.

Aliza: I hate that that’s rare. Why is that rare? 

Aja: It shouldn’t be. I really hadn’t wanted to start dating someone so soon out of college — especially not someone I worked with — but it felt right. 

Aliza: It was similar for me, but four years earlier in life. Sam and I hit it off senior year of high school. I loved the early relationship butterflies but looked forward to college: basketball games and parties. I was surprised to keep wanting him around. We broke up going to college, but two weeks later I called him and asked to get back together.

Aja: Only two weeks?

Aliza: We reunited by my birthday in October! I thought I was going to explore… but kept coming back to him. College was hard — we were 19 and 20 years old, figuring out how to communicate when we barely knew ourselves. But we learned.

Aja: What trade-offs have you made for the relationship?

Aliza: We moved back to Boston a few years ago for Sam to do his PhD. That was a really hard move — there were so many other considerations tied up in it. Balancing our careers with quality of life, starting a family... 

I think we’re glad we did it. But I do wonder, if I were single, would I move to Mexico City tomorrow? 

Maybe. I’ve also gotten to travel to Mexico City with Sam, and I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for that. I’ve always been able to find a version — even if it might be different from my original plan — of what I want to do that works for both of us.

Aja: I have friends who have moved away from Boston after having a hard time finding a long-term partner. It can happen in the other direction. 

Remember that ice cream date we had when I told you we were seeing a couple’s therapist? Sam and I were having a recurring fight over where to live. We’d jointly decided to move to New York, and then he changed his mind.

For some very good reasons — but he changed his mind nonetheless. We couldn’t both do what we wanted; one of us had to compromise. It ended up being me, and we stayed in Boston. I had to process a lot of resentment. 

Aliza: At one point you were asking yourself, am I going to move to New York without Sam? 

Aja: I was like, yeah, maybe we have a long-distance relationship and I’m there and you’re —

Aliza: Here.

Aja: Yeah.

I had to have an honest conversation with myself. What do I want? What would I be moving for? And is there really no way I can get that in Boston? Boston’s a pretty big city. Maybe if I was comparing somewhere in the middle of nowhere to New York, New York would offer a lot of concrete things that place couldn’t. But there’s life in Boston; there are tons of people in Boston. And because we decided to stay, I invested in trying to find everything in Boston that I was looking for in NYC — and I would say I found it. 

Aja: Did you ever have any regrets? Did you ever seriously fantasize about a different life?

Aliza: If I’d ever had any doubts, seeing Sam become a dad and raising a kid together would’ve completely eliminated them. He’s amazing. 

Aja: I like to picture myself in all these parallel universes where I’m also happy with my path. Probably a version of me did move to New York, and I don’t know what happens to me and Sam and hopefully that Aja’s happy too. And the version of me that decided, no, I don’t want to date someone who I work with, hopefully she’s happy too. I like to picture all of those Ajas out there.

Aliza: It takes a little pressure off of any one decision, right?

Aja: Exactly.

Aliza: I just turned 33 and that was a — excuse my language — mind fuck, because I have a distinct memory of writing my mom a birthday card for her 36th birthday. But here we are. 

Aja: I know, I know. My thirties are around the corner.

I saw this video — I linked to it a few weeks ago — from this woman on her sixty-third birthday. She said her sixties have been her favorite decade thus far: everything's coming together for her. Each stage of her life has gotten successively better. And I will say the latter half of my twenties has been a lot better than the first half of my twenties, which was a lot better than my 15 to twenties. So I do have a lot of optimism around getting older.

Aliza: Come on over; the water’s warm!

💬 What about you?

Let’s dish in the comments section:

• What’s the most unexpected way you ever started a romantic (or platonic!) relationship?

• Tell us about a significant relationship tradeoff you’ve made.

• Which Sliding Doors version of yourself have you always wondered about?

And if you enjoyed this conversation, you’ll love Aja and Aliza’s chat on another juicy topic: how friendships change when a baby enters the picture.

Warmly,
Maddie