Ugh sorry this project has turned into such a dumpster fire. But in this waterlogged nightmare, you speak to something universal. I'm living this exact situation now in a different context, and I'm sure your readers can see their own struggles in it too. I love how you ended it - never thought about how a lack of a roadmap could lead to building the life we want with jumbled parts. 🙌
Darn that seems tough. I hate when unexpected stuff like this happens. I experienced it over the summer with car troubles here in Napoli. I also don’t like not having a plan. I love the tv show Fleabag when she asks the hot priest to “tell her what to do”. Ugh even though I didn’t relate to her at first, that line sunk in.
Car troubles are always frustrating, but I imagine that dealing with them abroad adds a few extra layers of stress!
Aaand this is my regular reminder to *finally* watch Fleabag; I totally feel that quote. Having power over your circumstances is incredible...and also kind of exhausting. I'd love to farm out some of the decision-making once in awhile!
All the feels with this one. I can relate to standing in water on a zoom call when our house flooded with three confused and upended cats staring at me like WTF. Life is so life-y. Good luck with the unexpected project!
"Life is life-y" is my new mantra. Paula, if you (and your cats!) can make it through that truly nightmarish situation, I can make it through this way-less-nightmarish one. Thanks for the levity—and the perspective!
Good luck with that construction project, Maddie! Life is indeed a journey without maps? Occasionally, though, maybe pretending for a while that we have one might help get us through a tough time?
I hadn't heard that catchphrase. It might seem like a fitting antidote against news fakery etc. But the problem with delusions is that you stick with them for life if they're not to turn into..well, disillusionment. Delusions aren't just for Christmas. But I'm sure the kids know that... 😁
As always, a brilliant post Maddie, albeit I'm sorry your creative inspiration came from the never-ending reno project.
My current project is starting a vegetable garden from scratch at my new downsized home. I am writing about it, but got distracted by catching up on reading my favourite substackers ;)
I am trying to embrace the 'no-plan' plan, but it's going against my nature, so I took to you tube and google to see what I could about building planter boxes-- how to make them last longer, what's the best wood, (cedar) wood is expensive, how to do it without boxes, what about cardboard? do I really want boxes? If Ikea had a 'do it yourself' garden plot, I'd be all in with the manual in hand. I'll leave you with "this too shall pass," even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Kim, I’m so excited for your raised-bed project—wishing you the best of luck!
This is something I’ve also been meaning to do forever, but haven’t gotten around to it. 😂 The idea of skipping all the research and just buying a flat-pack raised bed kit at Ikea is wildly appealing! I hope the Scandinavian powers-that-be make it happen for us…
Hello Maddie, lots of good take-away's on this one.
Of course we are going to follow the going-wisdom, that education is important. Otherwise, what are we doing, full-time and no pay? So we progress toward some prize. If we are taught well, we are enjoying it along the way. There is our socialization which we learn to navigate. It's fun to connect. About the Prize? Maybe life is graded on the bell-curve. Are there just as many prizes as there are no-prizes?
At least this is not Asia, where students are harassed day and night, 7 days a week. Whew! They end up with a lot of no-prizes too.
The main teaching is probably to trust authority. Is this the birth of the outward search? It makes sense for society to work, and I hope authority turns out to be trustworthy. Some mistakes will be made, so they ask for your understanding.
Why is Youtube loaded with "How-To's"? Somebody must have told them they know what they are doing, looks good too? Or did they just self-proclaim it? Life can be made of manuals, and then improvisation between manuals. Nobody says don't look around.
With life, you cannot flip to the last page. With a persistent idea, or a prophecy, you can struggle to force it to come true that way. But it won't, even after you pass by all the other opportunities along the way.
I like when you say each day is made up of only this small task. But the temptation is to project that into a mountain to climb. You said, each step prepares you for the next. The real teaching is to gain confidence with each of those steps. Then you can broaden your action next time.
If you were to know everything, you must be very timid and confined to the closet. Take a chance on living life.
The other main teaching I forgot to add for socialization is delayed gratification. I am just noting this, I am not judging if it is imperative or not? And how much should that delay be? What do you think?
Thanks so much for these interesting musings on the topic—it's great to see you weigh in! As for your question about delayed gratification, I think it's tricky to come up with a blanket statement that can be summed up in a comment. But I did attempt to cover the topic of gratification in an essay called "Choose Better Inputs," which you might find interesting.
Hi Maddie, I appreciate your practical view on life. I could comment here and there. My site is more about discussion. Discussion means differing opinions. With agreement, discussion is closed, and it becomes acknowledgement (also important).
Discussion means engaging with the content, and looking at it from several angles. Discussion also requires choosing an applicable topic. Some topics are so entrenched with opposition and are so toxic with bad feeling, that I stay far away from them. I don't "feel bad", but nothing can come of it.
How to live a life ever more effortlessly, and still obtain you vision, are great topics. Because whatever you conjecture, you can test it in your daily life, and get first hand knowledge if it is something that adds to that vision. Then you can really own-it. Engagement changes thought into experience.
Thank you Maddie for this beautiful text. As was said before in the comments, I’m very sorry for your situation but also greateful as you ended up transforming it into a universal meaning in which i can recognize myself. I’ve been feeling this human paradox very much lately of security (the manual) vs liberty (being able to create my own path) and how both sides both worry and excite me. I’m reassured to see that I’m not alone and that it is just life being life. Good day everyone.
Garance, I'm so grateful that you stopped by to share how this essay landed with you! I can very much resonate with the tension of security versus liberty, too—and I agree, it's always deeply reassuring to learn that we're not alone in these things. "Life being life," indeed!
I am so SO sorry, Maddie. That is just awful. Those are the moments when I learned to stop being nice. To ask questions, demand answers, ask how TF did that happen, hold people accountable. I can still do that politely, but assertively, with a "It better be done right and it better be done fast," disclaimer. The upside is, this will never happen to you again. It won't. A lesson has been learned (not that you were in need of it...just sh!t happens), and with that knowledge you've become more of a force. Oh, and ask for a "You've Totally Inconvenienced Me" discount. Because that was a big thing for their project manager to have missed. So sorry!!! But it will be perfect and beautiful in the end. xo
So many powerful lessons in this comment...for me, and for anyone else who reads it! I love the idea that "with that knowledge you've become more of a force"—YES, indeed. (And not to fret, there's *plenty* of groveling happening on their side! 🙃)
I had a similar home "improvement" project and looking back, I can laugh at it now. Gosh, the latest project I'm embarking on entails a big move next year with my family. Are we selling the house? Where will we live? Are we renting somewhere or traveling as a digital nomad family for six months? The unknown is both terrifying and exciting to me (once we make the decision).
All the best stories are hard to live through, right? I love that you're able to look back and laugh at your own house project!
Your next adventure sounds thrilling, Sarah. And you make *such* a good point about the unknown becoming exciting once you commit to a path. There's nothing more anxiety-producing, IMHO, than having to choose among many options!
Maddie, I am so sorry. Two months 😭 That is a lot to deal with. Home is where we recharge, regroup, and gather ourselves to face another day. Hats off to you for getting through these last few months AND writing. Bravo!
You totally get it, Jenovia: house-related upheaval is extra weighty because it's a disturbance of our sanctuary. I appreciate your spot-on empathy, as always! ❤️
Just copied this quote into my notes app this morning! “Like many confused and evolving humans, I live in constant danger of transformation.” Amy Gerstler
Timely. The beloved Porch Project went sideways. At 85% finished and 99% paid, City ordered work stoppage. Mired in duplicitous argumentative contractors, building code violations, surveys by all utility providers, lack of permit, and so on for many months. Facing down deadline changes to State building codes, approval hinged on 8 bolts, 4 blocks, and a 3ft deep hole and multiple meetings with Director of Building and Community Development at my home. Project was approved at the last possible minute ( 4:30 pm on the last day the Building Department open before the deadline for changes to State building codes). Project completed over the next 2 days by chastened contractors. No Civil fines or penalties.
So many lessons during this saga. However, without the miserable chaotic upheaval in other key areas of my life closely preceding Porch Project, I would have pushed too hard without the nuance, patience, and acceptance of allowing the process to unfurl
Oh my word. I am *so* deeply sorry about your experience! While I'm glad that you took lots of lessons away from all of this, sometimes hard things are just...hard, no silver lining-searching necessary.
I very much hope that your frayed nerves are on the mend, and that you can finally start enjoying the fruits of your labor!
I’m curious to hear about the last project *you* embarked on without an instruction manual!
LIFE 😂 🙈 🤯
WHEW ain't that the truth! 😮💨
Ugh sorry this project has turned into such a dumpster fire. But in this waterlogged nightmare, you speak to something universal. I'm living this exact situation now in a different context, and I'm sure your readers can see their own struggles in it too. I love how you ended it - never thought about how a lack of a roadmap could lead to building the life we want with jumbled parts. 🙌
Chris, you are—actually quite literally—writing the instruction manual as you go! You got this. 🙌
Darn that seems tough. I hate when unexpected stuff like this happens. I experienced it over the summer with car troubles here in Napoli. I also don’t like not having a plan. I love the tv show Fleabag when she asks the hot priest to “tell her what to do”. Ugh even though I didn’t relate to her at first, that line sunk in.
Car troubles are always frustrating, but I imagine that dealing with them abroad adds a few extra layers of stress!
Aaand this is my regular reminder to *finally* watch Fleabag; I totally feel that quote. Having power over your circumstances is incredible...and also kind of exhausting. I'd love to farm out some of the decision-making once in awhile!
All the feels with this one. I can relate to standing in water on a zoom call when our house flooded with three confused and upended cats staring at me like WTF. Life is so life-y. Good luck with the unexpected project!
"Life is life-y" is my new mantra. Paula, if you (and your cats!) can make it through that truly nightmarish situation, I can make it through this way-less-nightmarish one. Thanks for the levity—and the perspective!
Good luck with that construction project, Maddie! Life is indeed a journey without maps? Occasionally, though, maybe pretending for a while that we have one might help get us through a tough time?
You're the best, Jeffrey. Thank you!
Absolutely no shame in pretending. Apparently, kids these days are saying that "delusion is the solution" and they're...not entirely wrong 😂
I hadn't heard that catchphrase. It might seem like a fitting antidote against news fakery etc. But the problem with delusions is that you stick with them for life if they're not to turn into..well, disillusionment. Delusions aren't just for Christmas. But I'm sure the kids know that... 😁
Delusions breed disillusionment—such a perfect and accurate turn of phrase! Plus, it made me laugh 😂
As always, a brilliant post Maddie, albeit I'm sorry your creative inspiration came from the never-ending reno project.
My current project is starting a vegetable garden from scratch at my new downsized home. I am writing about it, but got distracted by catching up on reading my favourite substackers ;)
I am trying to embrace the 'no-plan' plan, but it's going against my nature, so I took to you tube and google to see what I could about building planter boxes-- how to make them last longer, what's the best wood, (cedar) wood is expensive, how to do it without boxes, what about cardboard? do I really want boxes? If Ikea had a 'do it yourself' garden plot, I'd be all in with the manual in hand. I'll leave you with "this too shall pass," even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Kim, I’m so excited for your raised-bed project—wishing you the best of luck!
This is something I’ve also been meaning to do forever, but haven’t gotten around to it. 😂 The idea of skipping all the research and just buying a flat-pack raised bed kit at Ikea is wildly appealing! I hope the Scandinavian powers-that-be make it happen for us…
Hello Maddie, lots of good take-away's on this one.
Of course we are going to follow the going-wisdom, that education is important. Otherwise, what are we doing, full-time and no pay? So we progress toward some prize. If we are taught well, we are enjoying it along the way. There is our socialization which we learn to navigate. It's fun to connect. About the Prize? Maybe life is graded on the bell-curve. Are there just as many prizes as there are no-prizes?
At least this is not Asia, where students are harassed day and night, 7 days a week. Whew! They end up with a lot of no-prizes too.
The main teaching is probably to trust authority. Is this the birth of the outward search? It makes sense for society to work, and I hope authority turns out to be trustworthy. Some mistakes will be made, so they ask for your understanding.
Why is Youtube loaded with "How-To's"? Somebody must have told them they know what they are doing, looks good too? Or did they just self-proclaim it? Life can be made of manuals, and then improvisation between manuals. Nobody says don't look around.
With life, you cannot flip to the last page. With a persistent idea, or a prophecy, you can struggle to force it to come true that way. But it won't, even after you pass by all the other opportunities along the way.
I like when you say each day is made up of only this small task. But the temptation is to project that into a mountain to climb. You said, each step prepares you for the next. The real teaching is to gain confidence with each of those steps. Then you can broaden your action next time.
If you were to know everything, you must be very timid and confined to the closet. Take a chance on living life.
.
The other main teaching I forgot to add for socialization is delayed gratification. I am just noting this, I am not judging if it is imperative or not? And how much should that delay be? What do you think?
.
Thanks so much for these interesting musings on the topic—it's great to see you weigh in! As for your question about delayed gratification, I think it's tricky to come up with a blanket statement that can be summed up in a comment. But I did attempt to cover the topic of gratification in an essay called "Choose Better Inputs," which you might find interesting.
Hi Maddie, I appreciate your practical view on life. I could comment here and there. My site is more about discussion. Discussion means differing opinions. With agreement, discussion is closed, and it becomes acknowledgement (also important).
Discussion means engaging with the content, and looking at it from several angles. Discussion also requires choosing an applicable topic. Some topics are so entrenched with opposition and are so toxic with bad feeling, that I stay far away from them. I don't "feel bad", but nothing can come of it.
How to live a life ever more effortlessly, and still obtain you vision, are great topics. Because whatever you conjecture, you can test it in your daily life, and get first hand knowledge if it is something that adds to that vision. Then you can really own-it. Engagement changes thought into experience.
Thanks
.
Thank you Maddie for this beautiful text. As was said before in the comments, I’m very sorry for your situation but also greateful as you ended up transforming it into a universal meaning in which i can recognize myself. I’ve been feeling this human paradox very much lately of security (the manual) vs liberty (being able to create my own path) and how both sides both worry and excite me. I’m reassured to see that I’m not alone and that it is just life being life. Good day everyone.
Garance, I'm so grateful that you stopped by to share how this essay landed with you! I can very much resonate with the tension of security versus liberty, too—and I agree, it's always deeply reassuring to learn that we're not alone in these things. "Life being life," indeed!
I am so SO sorry, Maddie. That is just awful. Those are the moments when I learned to stop being nice. To ask questions, demand answers, ask how TF did that happen, hold people accountable. I can still do that politely, but assertively, with a "It better be done right and it better be done fast," disclaimer. The upside is, this will never happen to you again. It won't. A lesson has been learned (not that you were in need of it...just sh!t happens), and with that knowledge you've become more of a force. Oh, and ask for a "You've Totally Inconvenienced Me" discount. Because that was a big thing for their project manager to have missed. So sorry!!! But it will be perfect and beautiful in the end. xo
So many powerful lessons in this comment...for me, and for anyone else who reads it! I love the idea that "with that knowledge you've become more of a force"—YES, indeed. (And not to fret, there's *plenty* of groveling happening on their side! 🙃)
So glad you have found the rare humble-contractor. It's right up there with a unicorn! xo
Bravo, Maddie!
Thank you, my friend!
I had a similar home "improvement" project and looking back, I can laugh at it now. Gosh, the latest project I'm embarking on entails a big move next year with my family. Are we selling the house? Where will we live? Are we renting somewhere or traveling as a digital nomad family for six months? The unknown is both terrifying and exciting to me (once we make the decision).
All the best stories are hard to live through, right? I love that you're able to look back and laugh at your own house project!
Your next adventure sounds thrilling, Sarah. And you make *such* a good point about the unknown becoming exciting once you commit to a path. There's nothing more anxiety-producing, IMHO, than having to choose among many options!
Maddie, I am so sorry. Two months 😭 That is a lot to deal with. Home is where we recharge, regroup, and gather ourselves to face another day. Hats off to you for getting through these last few months AND writing. Bravo!
You totally get it, Jenovia: house-related upheaval is extra weighty because it's a disturbance of our sanctuary. I appreciate your spot-on empathy, as always! ❤️
Just copied this quote into my notes app this morning! “Like many confused and evolving humans, I live in constant danger of transformation.” Amy Gerstler
That quote is absolutely brilliant, Lindsey—thanks so much for sharing it!
Timely. The beloved Porch Project went sideways. At 85% finished and 99% paid, City ordered work stoppage. Mired in duplicitous argumentative contractors, building code violations, surveys by all utility providers, lack of permit, and so on for many months. Facing down deadline changes to State building codes, approval hinged on 8 bolts, 4 blocks, and a 3ft deep hole and multiple meetings with Director of Building and Community Development at my home. Project was approved at the last possible minute ( 4:30 pm on the last day the Building Department open before the deadline for changes to State building codes). Project completed over the next 2 days by chastened contractors. No Civil fines or penalties.
So many lessons during this saga. However, without the miserable chaotic upheaval in other key areas of my life closely preceding Porch Project, I would have pushed too hard without the nuance, patience, and acceptance of allowing the process to unfurl
Oh my word. I am *so* deeply sorry about your experience! While I'm glad that you took lots of lessons away from all of this, sometimes hard things are just...hard, no silver lining-searching necessary.
I very much hope that your frayed nerves are on the mend, and that you can finally start enjoying the fruits of your labor!