23 things I learned about uncertainty in 2023
Lessons from a year of Big Life Changes™️
Your Five-Year Plan is a newsletter about embracing life’s profound uncertainty.
Maybe your own plans went up in flames; maybe you’re considering a big, scary leap. This is your trusty companion while you’re writing the next life chapter.
Welcome to the conversation—and to the adventure that unfolds when your plans go sideways. This is letter #35. ✨
23 things I learned about uncertainty in 2023
This year marked an inflection point in my life.
There’s a lot that still feels fuzzy; I’m almost tempted to squint, as if that might help the future come into focus. But here’s one thing that’s clear: I’ll look back on 2023 as the year (almost) everything changed.
Grappling with so much transition, all at once, taught me a lot about uncertainty—at first, how to grudgingly accept it, and eventually, how to embrace it. No surprises there; that’s been the subject of every personal essay and thinkpiece I’ve written here!
But today, I wanted to round up these lessons a bit more succinctly, in a handy list you can reference as you navigate your own relationship with uncertainty in 2024…and beyond.
1. Accept that life is uncertain and you’ll avoid unnecessary suffering.
Once you know, deep in your bones, that the future is fundamentally unknowable—and that no amount of overplanning can change that—you’ll reclaim bandwidth and sanity. Both of which help you make choices you’ll be proud of later, whatever happens.
2. “Embracing uncertainty” doesn’t mean skipping the grieving process.
No toxic positivity here! It’s healthy to be enormously sad about everything you’ve lost during a life transition. Take an appropriate amount of time to shake your fist at the sky, and recognize that your grieving process won’t be linear.
But your fist-shaking is not inconsistent with the fact that a new beginning lies ahead, and has the possibility to become whatever you make of it.
3. When embracing uncertainty sounds impossible, follow your energy.
Some life transitions are joyful, of course, but many of them are a real slog, and it’s hard to embrace uncertainty when you feel terrible.
Getting to “happy” may be out of the question, but improving your energy isn’t. Notice anything that elicits even the smallest buzz of aliveness—taking the time to shower and change into real clothes, going for a slow walk around the block, reading a book instead of doomscrolling—and double down on that.
💪 Five Lessons on Self-Advocacy
4. The sooner you take responsibility for what’s in your control, the easier it’ll be to move forward.
Yes, even if you didn’t choose the transition you’re going through!
You might not have wanted what’s happening. It might feel wildly unfair. You might even resent other people for the roles they played. But you’re not a victim; in fact, quite the contrary. And owning the power you do have will help you feel better, faster.
5. Learning self-advocacy skills is an active process.
Self-advocacy is all about stepping into the driver’s seat in your own life. Much like learning to drive, it’ll require some real-world trial and error.
Unfortunately, you won’t become an effective advocate only by sitting in a classroom learning the rules of the road; at some point, you’ll have to set foot outside, twist the key in the ignition, and shift out of “park.”
6. Move your body.
Getting into the right mindset works wonders when navigating periods of uncertainty, but don’t forget that you’re a physical being, too.
Since becoming your own advocate and owning your power are active processes, physical activity helps you inhabit those roles more decisively.
7. If self-advocacy feels tricky, consider how you’d act on behalf of your loved ones.
Then, advocate for your own needs as you’d advocate for theirs, whether that means negotiating a bigger salary or speaking up at the doctor’s office.
8. Find a side door into empowerment.
When life changes leave you feeling profoundly disempowered, seeking strength in a totally different area of life can work wonders.
🧠 Five Lessons on Mindset
9. The sooner you ask “What can I learn from this?” the better off you’ll be.
No need to be a glass-half-full optimist while you’re doing it! It’s entirely possible to take important life lessons from a life transition you resent.
10. Your approach to uncertainty isn’t fixed.
Some people have jumped feet-first into uncertain circumstances their whole lives; others, like me, have had to be dragged kicking and screaming toward this perspective.
If you fall into the latter camp, remember the importance of adopting a growth mindset: your life is ever-changing, and your perspective on change can change, too.
11. Adopt healthy coping strategies.
“Certainty anchors”—like ritual, routine, and comfort food for the soul—are powerful ways of soothing anxiety in times of uncertainty. Just make sure your coping mechanisms function as a salve, not a numbing agent; some amount of discomfort is healthy and expected.
12. Finding things to anticipate helps with everything you’re not excited about.
During many life transitions, you’re gaining and losing things all at once. Remembering the best parts about your particular transition can help soften the blow from the losses.
13. Changing your mindset will take longer than you’d like.
It took you an entire lifetime to arrive at your current outlook on uncertainty; even if you’ve decided to become more open to change, rewiring your brain will probably take a frustratingly long time. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
👯♂️ Five Lessons on Interdependence
14. Seek support before it feels like an emergency.
Asking for help is a muscle. Now is a good time to strengthen it.
15. Tragedy is an opportunity for connection.
Change, challenge, and loss cause some people to shut down. But in my experience, the opposite is often true, too: life transitions can shock us out of numbness. And when we stop numbing ourselves to life, we also open ourselves to deeper, more genuine connections with other people.
16. When you’re trying to build community, commit to 15 seconds of courage.
This simple commitment helped me get out of my car on the first morning I met up with a local run club—a small act of bravery that led to a wonderful friendship (hi, Chrystal!).
17. People who’ve gone through unrelated life transitions can teach you something about yours.
Uncertainty is the common thread of many big changes. So—whether a transition is defined by grief or joy, anxiety or anticipation—it probably offers universal lessons about the one you’re tackling.
18. Find a “transition role model”: someone who’s living a good life on the other side.
Maybe it’s a friend or acquaintance; maybe it’s a public figure you’ve never met. Either way, having a real-life example of someone who’s thriving post-transition helps you realize that you can, too.
🎨 Five Lessons on Creativity
19. Starting over requires you to get creative.
Writing the next chapter of your life is a creative act, which means finding a creative practice isn’t just a fun distraction; it’ll actually help you type up the instruction manual for what comes next.
Whether you choose a public outlet or a private one, honing your creative skills will help you get comfortable with the process of building something new.
20. Making stuff during a life transition—not just consuming it—will help you feel better.
Why? Creativity is generative.
Consuming is the path of least resistance, but if your transition involves a significant loss, building something that didn’t exist before will remind you that you’re a capable and productive member of society.
21. Writing will aid your transition.
You may not consider yourself a writer. Journaling might not be your jam. Still, any type of scribbling—morning pages, free-writing, word vomit into a private Google Doc—will help ensure that your thoughts don’t fester. They need to get exposed to sunlight and air to be properly disinfected.
22. Creativity will get you comfortable with experimentation.
When you don’t know the way to your preferred destination, you’ll have to test a bunch of routes to get there—many of which will be non-starters.
Creativity is a conduit for this kind of experimentation, and it happens in a blessedly low-stakes environment.
23. Creativity helps you figure out who you’re becoming and who your people are.
Often, life transitions usher in a new version of you. And since creative outlets invite self-expression, they’ll help you attract a supportive community that’s aligned with the person you’re becoming.
💬 What are the lessons you’re taking from 2023?
I’m curious to hear from you. Which of these lessons resonates the most with you—and what would you add to this list?
Had your own plan-in-flames experience? Taking a leap into the unknown? I’d love to hear more. Just hit “reply” to get in touch, or introduce yourself here.
Warmly,
Maddie
✳️ I’m curious to hear from you. Which of these lessons resonates the most with you—and what would you add to this list?
Not many people would be able to offer this much self reflection and wisdom so soon after such monumental life changes, but I’m grateful you have. Thank you for sharing with us! 💛💛